A Guest Page set up for my good friend Dmitri Old, who wants you to know what he’s on about when he talks about his beloved WindyBricks…
Take it Away Dmitri…
OK, so the link on the ever superb Seven and 87.5/100 (I’m my own best critic) should have brought you here to discover just what I am on about when it comes to some of the names in my football reports….
You may have guessed that WindyBricks is a psuedonym for the team who play in South East London. The New Leslie Grantham is of course the New Den. Windy – Mill Bricks – Wall. It’s poor but it does the job.
So to the players –
Abs from Five or Blue – Abdou. Pathetic.
Ally’s Lazy Useless Army – Izale McLeod – here five minutes, two pseudonyms. Ally McLeod and Izale sounds like lazy? Rubbish.
Arthur, The Dresden Favourite – See Explosive Axeman.
Baba Fusewire – Baba as in Ali Baba. Fusewire as it is the closest I can get to the recently released Fusieni.
Bold Argonaut – The legend that was, and still is, Jason Dair.
Can’t – Hackett. As in Chris Couldn’t or Chris Can’t
Cassius The Italian Plug Man – The sound of scraping barrels. Cassius Clay = Ali. You get a fuse in a plug and add ini for that Italian feel. Ali Fuseini. Thank God he’s gone.
Chopping Explosionist – See Explosive Axeman.
Chris Couldn’t – Hackett. See Also Can’t.
Christopher Lambert’s Afro-Carribean Offshoot – Lambert played Conor McLeod in Highlander. For a short while we had Izale McLeod, of Afro-Caribbean origin, in our team.
Coat Man – Jackett. Manager of WindyBricks.
Comes Alive – Peter Frampton’s famous album. We have a Frampton too… Andy is his name.
Crimson Snide – Sir Alex Ferguson. On account of the colour of his face when he utters the “we were robbed drivel” he seems to come out with on a semi-regular basis. Mind games my arse.
Dagenham Dave – Name the famous car plant at Dagenham. Ford? Our Keeper’s first name is Dave…..
Dartford Dave or the utterly insipid D-Mart – We had, he’s gone now, a player who once played for Dartford called Dave. His surname was Martin. No longer in use.
Dirty Son Of My Father – Ashley Grimes. I was sure he was his son, but he isn’t, so I am told. The dirty bit comes from Grimes. Imagine someone naming their son after that footballer?
Don’t It Make You Feel Good – See Steffan Dennis.
Explosive Axeman – Our record goal scorer, the one and only two nicknamed Harris – Bomber / Chopper Neil! Bomber, after Sir Arthur, Chopper after some Brain Dead Chelsea player.
Eve Rock – Need to work that one out….OK. Eve’s partner was Adam, and the Rock is a Bolder.
Fawlty Gripper – The man who played Gripper Stebson was Mark Savage. Fawlty’s first name was Basil. Bas Savage once played for us and was doggy doo doo. Turned up playing for the plassie Scousers.
Gangly Youth (The) Riding Horseback – Ah yes. ’twas a night at Crewe in 1996 ish when one of the perennial away supporters we knew as “wash” (he baited Portsmouth supporters with that jibe) called Richard Sadlier “the gangly youth”. It stuck.
Gary The Great – Who was great – Alexander was!
Got Dazza – Dazza = Darren, and the Get bit relates to that crappy film and subsequent crappy headline – Get Carter.
Here and Back To Palace – See James Bond’s Narky Little Brother.
Holiday Village – Ex-Windybrick keeper Tony Warner.
Irksome Palace Reject – We sent Mr Craig on loan to Palace. I got the hump with him….
James Bond’s Narky Little Brother – The current Bond is Daniel Craig. Our Narky Tony likes winding other players up. They aren’t really related. Nor does James ever scream “F*** Off” at linesmen as far as I am aware.
Jasmin OdelayDagenham – The surname is the songster who recorded the album Odelay – Beck – and the location of the car plant belonging to Ford. Beckford. Jasmine was the name of a poor little mite murdered by scum with the same surname. I could have plumped for Jason, after the winger with the same name who was signed on a permanent contract on the basis of one good cross at Southend. But that’s by the by. Jermaine Beckford is a complete tosser, and disappeared nearly every game we played against Leeds, especially at our place.
Jock Duty Free – Keith Barron was in Duty Free, and the polite term for a Jock is Scot. WIth a T to add to it.
Kinnear Would Call Him Agadoo – Joe Kinnear would probably mis-pronounce his name. Don’t know why I picked on him. Jimmy Jimmy, no name that good yet.
King Ralph – Jon Goodman – the Elvis look-a-like was too easy. Former player I thought was quite good.
Krankie From Black Lace – Better – Jimmy for the former, Abdou sounds like Black Lace’s stonking hit.
Lewis The Snatcher – Hard one this. Our incredibly expanding bearded one, Mr Grabban needs a new name. Grabban – Snatcher…. I know….
Mr Crucifixion – When was our Good Lord crucified – Easter. His first name was Jermaine. He played one game, scored, got sent off, and pushed off to the Concrete Cow Economists.
Mr Donkey – Kenny Jackett.
Nerdy Offspring of Fruit – A nerd down our way is known as a Nigel. The fruit in question is a pear, and it has offspring = son. The new manager of bottom of a boat, this bloke is a charmer. A complete cock on the sidelines.
Next Generation – Vincent Pericard. We had him for five minutes before he bust his knee. Why Next Generation – well, it sounds like Jean-Luc Piccard…… Weak as shit. Like his knee.
No Nutritional Value – Whitbread. Well white bread is worse than wholemeal…..(sometimes prefixed with his nationality – as in The Yank with No Nutritional Value)
Norfolk Town of Cuddly Toys – Sir Edward of Sheringham. The greatest I’ve ever seen at the New Leslie Grantham.
Not As Good As His Edwardness – See Explosive Axeman – He isn’t. End of.
Not Thierry – James Henry. Also known once as Hooray Not Thierry. We’ve just signed him permanently.
Old Jo’s Ex-Fast Bowling Hippy – For a while we had a player who shared a name with one of my original Old Jo’s team-mates, who lapped me running a 3 in my third game for the club. Richard Duffy. The footballer had a horrid time at WindyBricks being, frankly, fucking awful and constantly stretching his groin.
Poorly (or Badly) Spelled Supermarket – Super Steve Morison – with one r. Bought from Stevenage, slagged off by the cognoscenti after three months of strife and toil with no reward, he got a brilliant winner against MK Dons and never looked back, silencing every single one of his critics. Don’t want to sound all know it all, but the Dmitris never doubted. Never. Favourite player of Dmitri Younger Daughter II.
Samoan Sid – Tim Cahill on account of his origins. The second best player to lace up boots for Windybricks in the modern era?
Scottish Lord – A Scottish lord is a Laird. We have a Laird, called Marc.
Son of an Ugly Manc – Manchester United once had an Ashley called Grimes. We signed a Grimes called Ashley from the other Manc mob, but he’s not related? Curious.
Speech Impediment – Lisbie (Lispy). Again, the season is / was young at the time.
Steffan Dennis – The Aussie actor’s most famous role, in Neighbours, as Paul, the evil one in the Robinson family. See also “Don’t It Make You Feel Good” which was Steffan’s most famous (only) song at the time of Kylie and Jason and all that crap.
Top Gear – Lee Hughes. On account of his driving skills. Known at New Leslie Grantham as Murd-er-er.
Very Painful Mis-Spelt Aussie Clobber – Very painful = Tres Sore (a bit of franglais there). Aussie Clobber = Kangol. He was Kandol. It’ll do. Left us.
Waxachump – From the seminal classic “Ice Ice Baby”. He waxes chumps like a Kandol…..(see Very Painful mis-spelt Aussie Clobber)
Zee Brewers Fayre – The latter are owned by Whitbread, the former is the player whose name begins with Zee (and he’s American). I prefer No Nutritional Value.
And to the Teams & Venues
Ancient Bacon – Old + Ham
Barrack Boys – Colchester United (used once)
Bottom of a Boat – Hull (City)
Chilly Gust Road – Cold Blow Lane – where we used to play… It is a council estate now.
Cockney Breasts – The rhyming slang for titties, is Bristols. After the worzel dentists who play at Ashton Gate – also known as the Volcanic Portal.
Concrete Cow Economists From Merton – Milton Keynes Dons. I didn’t bother with Milton.
Costa del Thames Estuary – Southend United
Dmitri’s Pigs In Racial Harmony – Dmitri OLD. Pigs = HAM. They have a “diverse” town. Again, not the best.
Dog Restrainers (and derivatives thereof) All Together – Leeds United
English / Welsh Straddlers (No longer used) – Chester City. Their ground did….
Fat Dart Player From The East – Leighton Rees was one of the first exponents of arrows I recall, and the east is also known as the Orient. Leyton Orient.
Finality of the Grim Media – Finality = End. It’s Grim up = North. Media – Press. Leave the on bit out at the moment and you have Preston North End. I’ll work on that one.
Firewall Favourites (Steel Work Firewall Favourite ab intitio) – Scunthorpe United. Work it out.
Horse Racing With The Non-Union Members – A bit of tautology maybe? Horse racing and banned union members – Cheltenham?
Ice Station Young Pork – Oldham Athletic. Shouldn’t it be ancient pork? OLD HAM. The Ice Station refers to their ground. Jesus, it is cold up there.
Julian Wilson School of Irregular Payments – Swindon Town
Julian Wilson and the Magic Roundabouters – Guess we know Julian’s favourite team. The Magic Roundabout is that awful monstrosity outside their ground. Julian once wrote a spectacularly bad-tempered piece in the match programme once, when slagging off Sunday football and saying he hated the WindyBricks because he had his car damaged outside the ground once. Tush.
Kaiser Chiefs – Leeds United (not used after initial sighting)
Large Area At The Back of That Unfunny Prick My Dad Liked But I Thought Was Tiresome’s House – Lord above that is a mouthful. Huddersfield and a rant about Roy Hudd making the name. I hated him. My dad thought he was “clever”.
Load of Old Cobblers – Northampton Town after their nickname and the general standard of football matches against them at the New Leslie Grantham. From the days of Atkins rough stuff, they’ve been a disaster to watch.
Lignite Breasters – Coal Chesters – get it? No, it’s shit.
Nazis From Near Wales – Hereford United. Here’s the story…We went to Hereford for an AWS tie in the mid-90s where we went into a pub near the ground and saw a chap with an old WindyBrick shirt on. We asked, somewhat stupidly, if he was going to the game – I mean why else would a WindyBrick fan be in Hereford? To our surprise, in a yokel voice, he says “why, are [WindyBricks] playing here” with a genuine surprise. We thought we had a live one here, so moved on into town. When we walked back towards Edgar Street at 10 to 3 we saw this idiot and his mates walking away from the ground. They then proceeded to go “‘ello lads” and give us a Sieg Hail each. Hence Nazis….. The other part is geographical fact.
Not So Solid – Crewe. Weren’t playing well when we met them last.
Noviodunum – Newcastle (I did Latin!)
Occidental Cured Pork / Meat – West Ham.
OxoShipHome – Oxo = STOCK. A Ship’s Home = Port. Awful. (or Shipping Home of Oxo)
Palace Team from The Railway Yard – See Not So Solid.
Palace of Darting Dreams – See Not So Solid. A bit fixated with Alexandra Palace.
Pebble Shitting Birds from the Illuminating Coast – Brighton. Known as the seagulls. And after the pile of gravel laden turd they despatched on my car in the mid 90s, and the scratches to the paint work from getting it off, I hate the town and their football team. Losing 4-1 in the 1991 play-offs didn’t help either.
Plastic Scotsmen – See Team Near Scotland
Plastic Scousers – Tranmere Rovers – a name picked up 20 odd years ago when I was at Uni there.
Queensland Capital Stadium Brought To You By The Snooker Fixer – Brisbane Road, home of Leyton Orient. None of that Matchroom Stadium nonsense.
Region Bearing My Moniker – Peterborough United. You’ll guess my real name from that, maybe.
Region of the Bestest Disciple – Again, Peterborough.
Slightly Less Old Than Old Watts Stadium – The New Den. I prefer the New Leslie Grantham and stuck with it.
Stefanie Powers’ French Lido – One of the best. Powers was in Hart to Hart, and a french lido – “le pool”. Brilliant.
Surrounding Gambia’s Farmland – The country that surrounds Gambia is Senegal. Farmland = fields. What you have after that is where the New Leslie Grantham was plonked.
Tax Evading Jockeys (or derivatives, thereof) – Leiceseter City
Team Near Scotland – One name used for Carlisle United
Ted’s Showjumping Street – Ted Edgar ran a show jumping team in the 70s and 80s. Oh those were the days of Sunday Grandstand. Edgar Street is the home of the Nazis from Near Wales or TherebeaMondeo.
TherebeaMondeo – Here a Ford! See also “Nazis from Near Wales”
Town of MTV Raps – YO! Ville is French for town. Lordy, remember Yo! MTV Raps from my early days of satellite telly. Presented in Europe by some bird who looked like she was drugged out of her head and jangling away, it was a show and a half. Has nothing to do with Yeovil.
Volcanic Portal – Ashton Gate, home of the Cockney Breasts. Let me tell you a story….later!
Warsaw For The Hard of Hearing – Walsall
West Coast Mainline Otis XI – Reading. I hate that club. Goes back to Pardew. He would probably have a nickname on here, shorter than his name. Begins with c, end with t, and has the french masculine for one as the middle part.